Rise Into Dawn.

Rise Into Dawn.

Burundi Journey Episode 7.

Well, here we are, 8 months since my last post.  If you read it or scroll to return you shall see that my opening paragraphs speak of how I was learning the way of stillness, the importance of it and the importance of sacrifice within this adoption journey.  And this must have been the beginning of what only the Lord could know would need to be a very season of still.  I finished my opening paragraphs with these words:

“Stillness is our strength, Learning to still is how we change the world.”

And honestly, I would still stand by those words today.  I needed to read and remember those words today.  But something I might add after 8 long months of stillness and waging waters so deep we weren’t sure we would make it to the other side?  I might add that “Stillness is our strength, and learning to still is how we change the world, but the stillness must eventually lead us into action.  For stillness alone, with no after movement remains stagnant and frail. It is the living, breathing power of a moving current that cleans, restores and refreshes and no change can exist without the movement to get it there. For stillness has the ability to bring courageous strength.  But stay there too long?  It whittles into deep discouragement where we lose our way.”

For you see, I did spend MUCH time in stillness, in reflection, in prayer, in trying to learn how to navigate the ins and outs of having an adopted child in our home, in our family.  But somewhere along the way, I forgot what I was getting still for.  I lost sight of ever moving again.  I became comfortable with such stillness that the life inside of me began to slowly die.  The valley began growing within in, the stagnant water murky and my reflection lost beneath the surface.  Somewhere I forgot that stillness without movement that follows is not stillness, but rather death.  I had moved from restoration to hiding.  And I have found there is a profound difference.  I have also found that getting the flow moving again may only happen by shear force of will to change.  There is no magic formula.  It never becomes easy to actually DO the very thing to which we have been called.  The work before us, the movement set to fill our souls take every bit of pushing back the darkness that looms over us to step into that in which our souls might sing again.  To that space where freedom rushes in and through.  I am finding that the space of freedom lies not in the before, but the after; making the choice to rise again and committing to making it happen, whatever the cost, and however much energy it takes.

So, here I am, clawing my way out from beneath the shadows to find the life within me once more.  Finding this page as an awakening of my soul I had lost there for a while.  Reminding myself that language, and the written word matters.  For language is in itself much of how we interpret the world.  The names of those we love mean something to us.  The way we speak over others and they way they speak over us mean something to us.  Words have the power to hold our stories and keep their presence alive.  And that is a great power indeed.  For our stories, our experiences mark our lives, change us and make us.  Language is a powerful vessel of memory, and therefore I am coming back to this space I hold so very dear.

I don’t know what these past 8 months have held for you?  Maybe they have held radiant brilliance, days of deep joy and delight.  And if this is you, would you please share? The world needs more stories of the good, the beautiful, the profound.  Maybe you have had pretty mundane days, nothing too gut wrenching or life altering bad, but nothing to make your soul sing either.  If this is you, might we just take a moment to embrace the mundane middle of our lives.  It is okay that nothing profound has happened, and if you look close enough, the mundane is actually some of the most beautiful crevices of our lives.  I hope you might take a moment to hold that close and smile at the gift.  And maybe you have been like me these past few months, in a state of utter overwhelm, emotional collapse and heartache.  Dear friend, there is space for the sadness, there is space for the hard, there is space for the grief and you are not alone.  But, might I also encourage you as I recently needed to hear the words, “This is not the end for you.  This season too shall pass.” And I hope that you might have the courage to fight like hell to crawl out of the dark and lonely spaces and remember that life indeed one day will get better.  It may not happen today, and it may not happen tomorrow, but I do believe it WILL happen.  I believe the sun shall rise again.  And I welcome you to keep these following words close this year.  After a lot of prayer and seeking what 2023 shall be for me, this is the mantra I am choosing to cling to:

“Lord, I integrate this day with You.

I choose to rise into the glory of this coming dawn.

May Your favor anoint me with oil all the day long.”

These are my fighting words.  My words of remembrance of who I am, whose I am, and the fact that the night will soon be over.  The dawn is rising and there is so much glory up ahead.  Thank you so much for being here.

And with that, I believe I sadly left each of you hanging a bit in the story of our journey in Burundi, and for that I am deeply sorry.  But now, we shall continue on.  We had finished our final days in Burundi as our dear Shiloh was finally on the slow mend once more.  We continue on with our departure from Burundi and our days moving forward into Kenya.

Saturday December 11, 2021.

What a day it was today.  Likely the hottest day we had experienced yet in Burundi, and today was travel day.  Today is the day Theresia would fly out of the only country she has ever known, the only place she has ever called home.  Bags were packed early in the day and the remainder was a lot of shuffling bags to different places and spaces, all without air conditioning, and the struggle of finding papers we needed and documents to prove the adoption while making sure we had all of our children still with us and finding the correct location for our flight to Nairobi.  You know, the normal ins and outs of travel, only we were walking the journey with a daughter who was still recovering from being very ill, and another daughter who spoke next to no English and a son who was happy to help wherever he could.  But eventually we did indeed “make it”.  As Theresia sat next to me on the plane I could feel her nerves, her curiosity, her wonder all gathered together in a complex jumble of change.  Yet, she did remarkably well for her first ever flight.  No tears, just looks of wonder as she rose into the sky for the first time in her life. As we ventured further into this sky marvel, she began waving goodbye to her country, goodbye to her people, goodbye to her home.  I will never forget that moment in all my life.  Her extraordinary courage, her calm demeanor, her hope in her body of all the journey before her to come.

Arrival into Nairobi was maybe one of the smoothest transitions we encountered the entire trip and we were beyond grateful.  Customs and covid control was very easy and our dear friend from college, who was both our host and our ride was there to pick us up and make the 45 minute journey to their home.  This moment was a deep exhale for us.  A moment that we felt supported and carried in a way we did not know we deeply needed until we had arrived.  Shilloh’s illness had taken a large emotional toll on us all, and to be here, in a space with remarkable healthcare in the arms of friends we have known since college was a gift we will never forget.  They welcomed us into their home as family and this is how the entire week felt.  A hug from family through the good and the bad.

Sunday, December 12, and Monday December 13, 2021.

Thankfully Sunday and Monday passed as days of rest and recovery, as well as some American dishes like pizza!  Shiloh napped a lot as her body continued to recover from the illness she endured. Theresia played with our friends’ two girls and we were able to chat about all the things Burundi from the last 3 weeks. It was a relief to have clean water at our disposal, a playroom for the children and friends to take us to all their favorite places!  What a gift indeed!

Tuesday December 14, 2021.

Today was a big day for Theresia.  She was required to go for medical testing that included bloodwork.  This testing is required by the US government to prove a bill of clean health before entry into the US.  It is a big deal and a very lengthy process.  Considering all that went down with Shiloh, we had decided it would be best for Josh to take this day on with Theresia, and thankfully all went well.  Theresia took on yet another challenge in remarkable fashion.  That evening to celebrate we took the kids to the mall, which let me tell you, this is not an American mall.  Their mall was 10 stories, yes 10 and included a rock climbing wall and a trampoline park.  The kids were in heaven! We concluded the day with meals there at the mall and baths and to bed.

Wednesday December 15, 2021.

5:30am.  Today was an early start, because today was safari day!! Getting to check off a bucket list item for my life this day and it certainly did not disappoint!

6:30am. We arrive at the park in time to begin the drive as the sun rose over the horizon.  The views were absolutely breathtaking. The sky was a mix of fog and sun over this wide expanse of land.  There was nothing quite like it I had ever seen before. Throughout the day we witnessed it all: impalas, giraffes, black and white rhinos, a baby rhino, male and female lions. Thomas said it was the best day of his life, and I could see why.  It was truly exhilarating to see animals in the wild as we did!

5:00pm. Unfortunately after the incredible day we had, a sharp turn was to be included in our evening. For you see, I received a call from the IOM office.  Theresia’s bloodwork had not come back clear.  The red flag? Tuberculosis.  A person suffering from active tuberculosis, understandably is not allowed to enter onto US territory.  We would have to return to the IOM office the following morning to further investigate her case with an X-ray to declare her tuberculosis active or inactive.  At this point, worry and anxiety raged within my system.  So many unknowns stood before us.  Theresia had been acting fine, no cause for worry with her health, but what if she was silently dealing with something very serious?  What if her health was in question now too?  And the implications could mean an extended stay for close to 3 months, if all went well.  Or, well, or she could test in the clear with inactive tuberculosis meaning she had had it in the past and survived and therefore was now no longer contagious and our travel plans could move forwards.  We would have to wait to know what the future held in our cards. And this Christmas?  We weren’t sure what that was going to look like as well.  Crazy to think the weight one X-ray could hold.  And there we stood with it in our palms, trying to extend them to the heavens and trust whichever direction Yahweh was taking us.  My knees were so weary at this point, my heart so heavy from the health scares.  I could hardly speak the words to Josh, getting them out of my lungs and into the air space, which felt so far between us.  But eventually they came, and with them a flood of tears to approach this large unknown.  Our dearest friends cradling us once more, praying over us, comforting us, and extending the welcome of their home for as long as we would need.  Yahweh was holding us too, though the weight felt too heavy to bare, moment by moment we were given just what we needed to survive.  And moment by moment we were making it through.

For you see, the circumstances of our lives are many times out of our control.  There are so many experiences and difficulties that rise that are of no cause of our own.  And in these moments I have learned to embrace the grief, embrace the sadness, embrace the fear as it comes.  Our body is trying to protect us, that is all, stand guard against whatever is coming our way.  And in these seasons I am learning to let it be the hard that it is in the moment.  To turn towards the fear and really acknowledge it, see it, and lean in to that which is the source of the deepest fear indeed.  Many times it brings me back and back again to the fear of death, whether that be myself or one I love so dear.  And once I have acknowledged it, only then am I able to release it.  To release the control and embrace the vulnerability and suffering that is life some days.  And only then can I look upon myself with tenderness and grace and let the healing begin.

And so I pray that this day stillness is your strength.  That you have a moment for reflection and care over the soul to which you carry.  But I also pray that you might not remain there. That you might rise into the glory of the coming dawn. That the favor of the Lord might anoint you all this day long. I don’t know what you are battling, I don’t know where your heart leads you this day, but I hope you never forget the touch of dawn upon your face, as you turn and fight like hell to crawl out of the darkness.

I’ll see you soon then as we journey towards the end of this journey we made.  Thank you so much for being here. May you always know you are deeply loved, your life matters, your calling is important, and living waters are awaiting your return, just on the other side of hope.  Dawn is calling, can you feel her rising?

~Laura

Miss any of the previous Episodes of our time in Burundi?  Here is some easy access for you!

Episode 1: Back to the Beginning:

https://www.lauradugglebyphotography.com/blog/2022/2/26/back-to-the-beginning

Episode 2: Heartbeats from Heaven:

https://www.lauradugglebyphotography.com/blog/2022/3/9/heartbeats-from-heaven

Episode 3: Harvest Days:

https://www.lauradugglebyphotography.com/blog/2022/3/16/harvest-days

Episode 4: Moon Miracles:

https://www.lauradugglebyphotography.com/blog/2022/3/29/first-signs-of-struggle

Episode 5: The Journey East to Waterfalls:

https://www.lauradugglebyphotography.com/blog/2022/4/6/the-journey-south-to-waterfalls

Episode 6: Stillness is Your Strength:

https://www.lauradugglebyphotography.com/blog/2022/4/22/the-breath-of-our-body